Yoga is calling.
Those words popped into my head during my massage yesterday. I like it when my subconsciousness message me like that.
Currently, I am going through a horrible divorce where it is not only the separation that we have to deal with. I am discovering through my therapy how to understand and retrain old behavioural patterns, reactions and relationship dynamics. It is wonderful to learn, but incredibly tough and perhaps bad timing combined with the divorce. I’ve hit the wall.
Since 2011 I had gradually added outdoor events such as multisport, triathlon, running and swimrun. At times I was training incredibly hard, working with a coach etc. I loved it and I still love the mental strength aspect of long distance races, but for the last few weeks I have balked at even the thought of a 10km jog. And I was wondering what was wrong with me.
2015 I sold my yoga business and had imagined a life with a normal fulltime job and yoga retreats on weekends/weeks away. The best of two worlds! For various reasons, it didn’t really happen, still I held a few classes and did the occasional yoga but my heart wasn’t it in. The yoga philosophy that had seeped through every part of my life was fading.
Today when I am in a an existential and practical crisis I can see the pattern that lead me to this point. I have never been taught to set stop and I have lived in a relationship where rest is seen as laziness. When life spun faster and faster I could still cope because I do live on a higher energy level than most, but as I was no longer a full time yogi I had lost what anchored me and balanced out the intensity.
Then a few weeks ago I started to do more yoga, felt drawn to dig through my yoga books, quotes, sutras and sentences about yoga started to appear in my thoughts, like long lost echoes.
The other day I spoke to a friend about my medals from outdoor events, long distance runs, swims and bike races. My focus for the last few years. I realise they were part of the more intensifying spiral that have led to my collapse and that I was ready to put it all aside. And then yesterday, during my massage, the insight:
Yoga is calling.
I believe in the healing power of yoga 100%. Pranayama, asanas, philosophy. It was temporarily pushed aside for something else, but I know it has got the solution to my physical and mental issues if only I gave it space again. As I have let go of long distance runs, bike ride and such, I will take +20 years experience of yoga and heal myself. I see a life with lots of yoga and climbing and lovely unpretentious open water swims…and that is about it. I am putting Wellbeing as my focal point now, over and above a hot body, achievements, adventures…
Yoga cant heal my marriage or could have stopped the inevitable. Its absence was not part of the problem, but its presence will be part of my recovery.
How I will rehab myself with yoga? Oh, well, that will be incredibly tough.
To be continued…